Hi! I'm Ze! I started this blog on my 20th birthday (October 1, 2011). This is a blog about my twenties (the third decade)! I’m bisexual and bigender. I'm a mermaid, and I'm adorable. I talk about (intersectional) feminism, my experiences with gender and sexuality, silly fun stuff, relationships, media, and mental illness. I'm working on loving life and loving myself, expanding my horizons and getting my shit together. ;) I'm creative, queer, loving, excitable, passionate, fat, sexy, nerdy, and cuddly. I love reading, writing, live action role playing, Pusheen, wearing wigs, and being a cat. It's very nice to meet you! :) (Note: I tw/cw tag a lot of things, but I don't tag food--for my own mental health reasons. If you need anything else tagged though please let me know and I will tag it for you! I aim for a safe space.)
I’ve been feeling high all week and I’m not sure if it’s psychosomatically mirroring the high people I’m around or if it’s the pot smoke in the air or both.
but i haven’t actually been talking to them the last 20 minutes and that’s when I’ve started feeling this way. welp.
did I mention marjuana is legal in WA? so that’s probably going to happen a lot. i can finally have enough to see if it actually does anything for me.
So as you all probably know I had a store called dreamypop a few months ago, but I closed it to get better at creating accessories.
I’m going to be re-opening my store and selling some of these bows I have handmade! The shop will no longer be called dreamypop, as i’ve decided to call it Himedoll instead for a full fresh new look. I hope you will support my new upcoming shop! <3
New chapter I guess!
So, I’m figuring out that I probably have borderline personality disorder, which sucks a lot because yay stigma on top of having disorders people don’t believe exist!
it makes more sense than bipolar though, honestly, I don’t have regular cycles at all, my mania never lasts more than a few hours, and my mood swings rapidly and unexpectedly every fucking day,a nd not just between euphoria and depression—I have little euphoria, but I tend to swing between “hopeful and hopeless” “calm and enraged” “loving and hateful” several times a day. The impulsiveness and other shit i attributed to mania might be BPD symptoms.
i also have VERY extreme and overwhelming emotions I try to stuff all the time. I do black and white thinking constantly and have this gut reaction I can’t seem to overcome to make myself relate back to logic I hear in the back of my head to find middle grounds. I like extremes, boxes, and rules, even and especially if they aren’t conventional.
I’m terrified of abandonment and think everyone hates me. I feel empty, which I didn’t realize til I read that symptom. I was like “oh….yeah, that’s a good word for that!”
All the stuff about me that seems a bit -not quite right- matches up with the symptoms.
Also some of it would cover up some of the autism symptoms. Both of them together make me just seem really traumatized or “just weird” because I was a quiet child. No one picked up on my inability to do social cues because I was sheltered, quiet, and assumed everyone hated me. So I haven’t really crossed a ton of boundaries in childhood and I wasn’t “disruptive”. I got in trouble for talking -once- and barely spoke at school (even to teachers) for years because I felt so worthless.
So yeah. They kinda muddled things by coexisting so much that no one picked up on either. Putting these two things together explains everything that’s ever felt “wrong” about me.
Even after being diagnosed as bipolar, I have kept saying “I have depression” because I’m almost always depressed. So yeah, I think that’s what it is, depression and BPD.
I get overwhelmed being in public, sudden noises or unwelcome touches—even accidentally touching legs with someone on a bench—make me upset, anxious, and *angry*. The upset and anxious is autism; the anger is BPD.
Idk things, are making more sense.
So if I’m right, I’m autistic and have depression, BPD, PTSD, depression, ADHD, and maybe GAD (not sure if my anxiety is just me trying to handle my alters muttering + ptsd + autism sensory overload and that just equals out to “always anxious” or if I have a separate condition “always anxious” and idk if it even matters)
I’m SO neuro-atypical. But it’s starting to feel fully explained.
I know other traumatized angry people who aren’t….like me. And my current partner is. He is full of murderous rage and keeps it in check because he doesn’t *believe* that people deserve to deal with his wrath.
And I find that attractive and I feel relieved someone understands, and I kind of hate that? I’ve suppressed so many urges for so long, and I finally have a safe controlled space to do it…what happens if I start to let it out and my safe place goes away?
I’m so fucking glad I get medicaid next week. I can finally go get this shit professionally tested.
I took a psychobiology class on depression and anxiety. My professor stated that disorders like PTSD and depression are, on the biological level, related to your body being in the fight-or-flight state for far too long. This means excess cortisol, which damages the hippocampus.
He then mentioned that people with depression or PTSD tend to have severe memory lapses.
Which kind of floored me, because since I’ve been sick I’ve noticed just how awful my memory is. It used to be excellent, but now… I forget parts of my autobiographical memory. Someone tells me “hey remember when we did this?” and I just stare at them blankly because I have no recollection of that whatsoever.
The scariest thing was when I forgot my PIN number. Which I’ve had, without incident, for years. I just walked up to an ATM and suddenly… I couldn’t remember it. Not at all. It was terrifying and it scared my sister too.
Can anyone else relate?
Oh yeah! I mean trauma and dissociation go hand in hand, so PTSD or the trauma of living with depression every day could certainly make you dissociate away random memories. Totally makes sense and it happens to me (though I also have a dissociative disorder, personally)
THAT’S A REALLY GOOD WAY OF PUTTING IT
Ugh I’m having an attraction and part of how that could play out is problematic but that’s not why I’m attracted to them, and I’m not wanting it in an actual problematic way, I think? I don’t feel guilty I just feel like I shouldn’t talk about it O.o I can do that, just urgh I don’t like when I want things I need to be delicate about how/where I discuss it because it could trigger memories of people legitimately wanting the problematic thing. Should maybe write about it to myself or something.
A friend sent me a post (apparently made them think of me) about someone talking about how hot it is for their partner to grab at their packer because it feels dysphoria easing, and now I’m vaguely horny and really upset I can’t find my packer because I might have just left it behind when I packed my life up.
I just really want my partner to play with me like I’m a man, and also like I have a penis, which are different things and I want them in only sometimes overlapping moments.
I’m really glad I finally have a pan partner because I am sooo over straight men. Sometimes I just need to talk about my body like I have a penis and I can do that with him and it’s really exciting and soothing and now I just really want to fuck him lol
uh don’t tell me i don’t love my pet cat, dog, rabbit, whatever because I eat beef/chicken whatever. animals aren’t one homogenous thing, and not everyone can be a vegetarian. i’m fucking poor and i don’t eat enough period.
yes also tell people who already can’t eat, say, bread, to also not eat meat and dairy, on little money. When I had a kitchen I lived on pasta and tuna and beans and rice, so if I had those two restrictions I’d have basically one accessible meal.
like I get what they’re saying, that there is cognitive dissonance between “i love all animals” and “but i will consume animals who’ve been tortured so I can consume them”. But not everyone can actually manage to be vegetarians or vegans and also survive and telling them their love for their pets or animals in general is totally not real is not really fair.
not everyone who eats meat is an evil capitalist who is totally comfortable with the suffering of animals.
ITS A POST!!!!!! WHY HAVENT I SEEN THIS IN POST FORM BEFORE!!!!
David Tennant keeping a straight face in this scene is the best acting that has ever happened in history and no one can convince me otherwise